Why? Because I have no life and get kicks out of this stuff. Leave me and my superiority complex alone :'(
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Aficionado Agony Presents:
After reading this you will never love someone and not tell them :'(
-- Unfortunately, the crying smiley is the saddest thing in this entire story. Cheer up Smiley, it's not all bad.
No Smiley! Don't jump! It's not worth it! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
"10th grade"
-- Or Year 11 if you're English. Of course, if you are English then what are you doing reading this blog and not beating up the French?
"As I sat there in English class,"
-- ...learning how to beat up the French...
"I stared at the girl next to me."
-- "I'm 35 and was in class in my vest and pants, but I still stared."
"She was my so called "best friend"."
-- Turns out she was badmouthing me behind my back. Bitch.
"I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine."
-- I also started talking in clichés and Twilight quotes.
"But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it."
-- She didn't notice you like that? What's that mean?
"After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her."
-- I premake copies of notes from all my lessons just in case this exact thing happens.
"She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- Imagine what she'd do if you gave her a Biology essay!
"I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
- I'm also a poet...
"11th grade "
-- That's the text equivalent of when a movie has a "One Year Later" subtitle isn't it?
"The phone rang."
-- The call was coming from inside the house!
"On the other end, it was her."
-- She wanted to know if I would have been willing to change my internet connection.
"She was in tears,"
-- I didn't want to change my internet connection.
"mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart."
-- Literally, she was calling FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!
Now repost this 34 times to other blogs, otherwise you shall die!!!*
"She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone,"
-- It was Christmas, there were burgulars all around and she only had Macaulay Culkin to use as a weapon...
"so I did."
-- Right after my shows had finished.
"As I sat next to her on the sofa,"
-- I realised that she was ugly. THE END.
"I stared at her soft eyes,"
-- Soft, squishy and ready to pop...
"wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie,"
-- Oh you poor dear. No girl is worth sitting through two hours of Drew Barrymore...
"and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep."
-- That's just the polite way of saying "Get out and take your damn Drew Barrymore films with you"
"She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- She had a cold sore, meaning that the romanticism of the moment was sorta undermined...
"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- You know, I'm sure I've read that line somewhere before...
"Senior year"
-- When a mad scientist ages us all by 70 years for an entire year. We don't like to talk about it...
"The day before prom"
-- and all through the house, nothing was moving; not even a mouse.
"she walked to my locker."
-- #~~I had told her to WALK THIS WAY!~~#
"My date is sick" she said;"
-- He keeps requesting anal.
"he's not going to go well,"
-- with my dress.
"I didn't have a date,"
-- I had never learnt to move on from one feeling of lust that never seemed to be going anyway and which only advanced on average at least once a year, so I was a very lonely boy by then...
"and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends"."
-- And we didn't read about this earlier in your story because...
"So we did."
-- Yay.
"Prom night, after everything was over,"
-- I was drunk, covered in fish batter and singing the pledge of allegiance to the Rooster...
"I was standing at her front door step."
-- I had followed her home, machete in back pocket. If I couldn't have her....
"I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes."
-- Her eyes have been replaced with crystals! She's blind! Please, someone take her to hospital!
"I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that,"
-- Hello, grammar? Where are you?
"and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- You know, I'm starting to see a pattern emerging in these segments...
"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- I want to pad this story, I want to make it look like I can actually write and I know what I'm doing, I want the last bit of the sentence to rhyme (Oh Ay), and I don't know why.
"Graduation Day"
-- Sounds like a crap serial killer movie.
"A day passed, then a week, then a month."
-- Hmm, time does work like that.
"Before I could blink, it was graduation day."
-- Turns out I was a Steven Moffat Doctor Who episode.
"I watched as her perfect body"
-- Hello Squick
"floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma."
-- The use of religious imagery doesn't work after balantly lusting after the poor girl.
"I wanted her to be mine,"
-- I wanted to be the Borat to her Pamela Anderson.
"but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it."
-- Half of this text is just made out of quotes from the other half, isn't it?
"Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her."
-- I hadn't showered in months for her. My funk was just too much for her.
"Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- I did my joke about this exact situation a few sentences ago. It's not my fault that this story is more repetitive than Groundhog Day.
"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- Did the writer actually type this out every time or did they just copy and paste it? Questions for the ages...
"A Few Years Later"
-- No, THIS is the fiction version of "One Year Later"
"Now I sit in the pews of the church."
-- "I notice a girl in the pew in front of me and spend the next few years of my life obsessively stalking her. It's sorta what I do".
"That girl is getting married now."
-- I don't know who this girl is, but she's getting married and I just so happen to be here.
"I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it."
-- GOD, it's like reading something which had been written by a Goldfish!
"But before she drove away,"
-- Good plotting there. She did this, but before that she did this...
"she came to me and said "you came!""
-- Ew.
"She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- I feel like I'm reading a Frank Millar script...
"Funeral"
-- Yay(!) I don't suppose you're going to put any of the fun back into it?
"Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend"."
-- You know, this could be seen as a very clever use of repeated sentences and ironic echoes, if only it wasn't done so handfistedly and clumsily as it is here. This could be quite effective, but it's taken to such extremes and done so much as to make it laughable. Narm in it's finest.
"At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried."
-- Why the hell did they read that at her funeral? Did the entire crowd just hate the unnamed narrator and want to rub it in? WHY WERE THEY READING EXTRACTS ABOUT HER LOVELIFE FROM HER DIARY AT HER OWN FUNERAL?!?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So there we have it, one of the stupidest things I've read in a long time. It's so anvilicious and the amount of repetition makes it impossible to take seriously. I think that's why I love it, or at least I like it enough to dedicated an entire blog post to riffing the stupid thing.
In fact, you could say that I'm quite a fan of this thing...
* You're not going to die. Stop being such a pussy; a paragraph of text on the internet is not going to kill you.
Going first of YouTube videos will kill you though. It just takes a bit of time because I need to find out where you live beforehand...
After reading this you will never love someone and not tell them :'(
-- Unfortunately, the crying smiley is the saddest thing in this entire story. Cheer up Smiley, it's not all bad.
No Smiley! Don't jump! It's not worth it! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
"10th grade"
-- Or Year 11 if you're English. Of course, if you are English then what are you doing reading this blog and not beating up the French?
"As I sat there in English class,"
-- ...learning how to beat up the French...
"I stared at the girl next to me."
-- "I'm 35 and was in class in my vest and pants, but I still stared."
"She was my so called "best friend"."
-- Turns out she was badmouthing me behind my back. Bitch.
"I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine."
-- I also started talking in clichés and Twilight quotes.
"But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it."
-- She didn't notice you like that? What's that mean?
"After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her."
-- I premake copies of notes from all my lessons just in case this exact thing happens.
"She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- Imagine what she'd do if you gave her a Biology essay!
"I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
- I'm also a poet...
"11th grade "
-- That's the text equivalent of when a movie has a "One Year Later" subtitle isn't it?
"The phone rang."
-- The call was coming from inside the house!
"On the other end, it was her."
-- She wanted to know if I would have been willing to change my internet connection.
"She was in tears,"
-- I didn't want to change my internet connection.
"mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart."
-- Literally, she was calling FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!
Now repost this 34 times to other blogs, otherwise you shall die!!!*
"She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone,"
-- It was Christmas, there were burgulars all around and she only had Macaulay Culkin to use as a weapon...
"so I did."
-- Right after my shows had finished.
"As I sat next to her on the sofa,"
-- I realised that she was ugly. THE END.
"I stared at her soft eyes,"
-- Soft, squishy and ready to pop...
"wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie,"
-- Oh you poor dear. No girl is worth sitting through two hours of Drew Barrymore...
"and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep."
-- That's just the polite way of saying "Get out and take your damn Drew Barrymore films with you"
"She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- She had a cold sore, meaning that the romanticism of the moment was sorta undermined...
"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- You know, I'm sure I've read that line somewhere before...
"Senior year"
-- When a mad scientist ages us all by 70 years for an entire year. We don't like to talk about it...
"The day before prom"
-- and all through the house, nothing was moving; not even a mouse.
"she walked to my locker."
-- #~~I had told her to WALK THIS WAY!~~#
"My date is sick" she said;"
-- He keeps requesting anal.
"he's not going to go well,"
-- with my dress.
"I didn't have a date,"
-- I had never learnt to move on from one feeling of lust that never seemed to be going anyway and which only advanced on average at least once a year, so I was a very lonely boy by then...
"and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends"."
-- And we didn't read about this earlier in your story because...
"So we did."
-- Yay.
"Prom night, after everything was over,"
-- I was drunk, covered in fish batter and singing the pledge of allegiance to the Rooster...
"I was standing at her front door step."
-- I had followed her home, machete in back pocket. If I couldn't have her....
"I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes."
-- Her eyes have been replaced with crystals! She's blind! Please, someone take her to hospital!
"I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that,"
-- Hello, grammar? Where are you?
"and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- You know, I'm starting to see a pattern emerging in these segments...
"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- I want to pad this story, I want to make it look like I can actually write and I know what I'm doing, I want the last bit of the sentence to rhyme (Oh Ay), and I don't know why.
"Graduation Day"
-- Sounds like a crap serial killer movie.
"A day passed, then a week, then a month."
-- Hmm, time does work like that.
"Before I could blink, it was graduation day."
-- Turns out I was a Steven Moffat Doctor Who episode.
"I watched as her perfect body"
-- Hello Squick
"floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma."
-- The use of religious imagery doesn't work after balantly lusting after the poor girl.
"I wanted her to be mine,"
-- I wanted to be the Borat to her Pamela Anderson.
"but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it."
-- Half of this text is just made out of quotes from the other half, isn't it?
"Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her."
-- I hadn't showered in months for her. My funk was just too much for her.
"Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- I did my joke about this exact situation a few sentences ago. It's not my fault that this story is more repetitive than Groundhog Day.
"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- Did the writer actually type this out every time or did they just copy and paste it? Questions for the ages...
"A Few Years Later"
-- No, THIS is the fiction version of "One Year Later"
"Now I sit in the pews of the church."
-- "I notice a girl in the pew in front of me and spend the next few years of my life obsessively stalking her. It's sorta what I do".
"That girl is getting married now."
-- I don't know who this girl is, but she's getting married and I just so happen to be here.
"I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it."
-- GOD, it's like reading something which had been written by a Goldfish!
"But before she drove away,"
-- Good plotting there. She did this, but before that she did this...
"she came to me and said "you came!""
-- Ew.
"She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- I feel like I'm reading a Frank Millar script...
"Funeral"
-- Yay(!) I don't suppose you're going to put any of the fun back into it?
"Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend"."
-- You know, this could be seen as a very clever use of repeated sentences and ironic echoes, if only it wasn't done so handfistedly and clumsily as it is here. This could be quite effective, but it's taken to such extremes and done so much as to make it laughable. Narm in it's finest.
"At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried."
-- Why the hell did they read that at her funeral? Did the entire crowd just hate the unnamed narrator and want to rub it in? WHY WERE THEY READING EXTRACTS ABOUT HER LOVELIFE FROM HER DIARY AT HER OWN FUNERAL?!?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So there we have it, one of the stupidest things I've read in a long time. It's so anvilicious and the amount of repetition makes it impossible to take seriously. I think that's why I love it, or at least I like it enough to dedicated an entire blog post to riffing the stupid thing.
In fact, you could say that I'm quite a fan of this thing...
STINGER:
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. (Oh come on, what else could it be?)
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. (Oh come on, what else could it be?)
* You're not going to die. Stop being such a pussy; a paragraph of text on the internet is not going to kill you.
Going first of YouTube videos will kill you though. It just takes a bit of time because I need to find out where you live beforehand...
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