After reading this you will never love someone and not tell them :'(

OK, so it's not part of any fandom (Wow, I'm on my second blog post and I'm already breaking my own site rules), nor is it "Lisa Gets Pregnant", but I found this on the iternet recently and it's so stupid that I have to post and riff it.

Why? Because I have no life and get kicks out of this stuff. Leave me and my superiority complex alone :'(

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Aficionado Agony Presents:
After reading this you will never love someone and not tell them :'(

-- Unfortunately, the crying smiley is the saddest thing in this entire story. Cheer up Smiley, it's not all bad.
No Smiley! Don't jump! It's not worth it! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

"10th grade"
-- Or Year 11 if you're English. Of course, if you are English then what are you doing reading this blog and not beating up the French?

"As I sat there in English class,"
-- ...learning how to beat up the French...

"I stared at the girl next to me."
-- "I'm 35 and was in class in my vest and pants, but I still stared."

"She was my so called "best friend"."
-- Turns out she was badmouthing me behind my back. Bitch.

"I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine."
-- I also started talking in clichés and Twilight quotes.

"But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it."
-- She didn't notice you like that? What's that mean?

"After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her."
-- I premake copies of notes from all my lessons just in case this exact thing happens.

"She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- Imagine what she'd do if you gave her a Biology essay!

"I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
- I'm also a poet...

"11th grade "
-- That's the text equivalent of when a movie has a "One Year Later" subtitle isn't it?

"The phone rang."
-- The call was coming from inside the house!

"On the other end, it was her."
-- She wanted to know if I would have been willing to change my internet connection.

"She was in tears,"
-- I didn't want to change my internet connection.

"mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart."
-- Literally, she was calling FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!
Now repost this 34 times to other blogs, otherwise you shall die!!!*

"She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone,"
-- It was Christmas, there were burgulars all around and she only had Macaulay Culkin to use as a weapon...

"so I did."
-- Right after my shows had finished.

"As I sat next to her on the sofa,"
-- I realised that she was ugly. THE END.

"I stared at her soft eyes,"
-- Soft, squishy and ready to pop...

"wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie,"
-- Oh you poor dear. No girl is worth sitting through two hours of Drew Barrymore...

"and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep."
-- That's just the polite way of saying "Get out and take your damn Drew Barrymore films with you"

"She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- She had a cold sore, meaning that the romanticism of the moment was sorta undermined...

"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- You know, I'm sure I've read that line somewhere before...

"Senior year"
-- When a mad scientist ages us all by 70 years for an entire year. We don't like to talk about it...

"The day before prom"
-- and all through the house, nothing was moving; not even a mouse.

"she walked to my locker."
-- #~~I had told her to WALK THIS WAY!~~#

"My date is sick" she said;"
-- He keeps requesting anal.

"he's not going to go well,"
-- with my dress.

"I didn't have a date,"
-- I had never learnt to move on from one feeling of lust that never seemed to be going anyway and which only advanced on average at least once a year, so I was a very lonely boy by then...

"and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends"."
-- And we didn't read about this earlier in your story because...

"So we did."
-- Yay.

"Prom night, after everything was over,"
-- I was drunk, covered in fish batter and singing the pledge of allegiance to the Rooster...

"I was standing at her front door step."
-- I had followed her home, machete in back pocket. If I couldn't have her....

"I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes."
-- Her eyes have been replaced with crystals! She's blind! Please, someone take her to hospital!

"I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that,"
-- Hello, grammar? Where are you?

"and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- You know, I'm starting to see a pattern emerging in these segments...

"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- I want to pad this story, I want to make it look like I can actually write and I know what I'm doing, I want the last bit of the sentence to rhyme (Oh Ay), and I don't know why.

"Graduation Day"
-- Sounds like a crap serial killer movie.

"A day passed, then a week, then a month."
-- Hmm, time does work like that.

"Before I could blink, it was graduation day."
-- Turns out I was a Steven Moffat Doctor Who episode.

"I watched as her perfect body"
-- Hello Squick

"floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma."
-- The use of religious imagery doesn't work after balantly lusting after the poor girl.

"I wanted her to be mine,"
-- I wanted to be the Borat to her Pamela Anderson.

"but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it."
-- Half of this text is just made out of quotes from the other half, isn't it?

"Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her."
-- I hadn't showered in months for her. My funk was just too much for her.

"Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek."
-- I did my joke about this exact situation a few sentences ago. It's not my fault that this story is more repetitive than Groundhog Day.

"I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- Did the writer actually type this out every time or did they just copy and paste it? Questions for the ages...

"A Few Years Later"
-- No, THIS is the fiction version of "One Year Later"

"Now I sit in the pews of the church."
-- "I notice a girl in the pew in front of me and spend the next few years of my life obsessively stalking her. It's sorta what I do".

"That girl is getting married now."
-- I don't know who this girl is, but she's getting married and I just so happen to be here.

"I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it."
-- GOD, it's like reading something which had been written by a Goldfish!

"But before she drove away,"
-- Good plotting there. She did this, but before that she did this...

"she came to me and said "you came!""
-- Ew.

"She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why."
-- I feel like I'm reading a Frank Millar script...

"Funeral"
-- Yay(!) I don't suppose you're going to put any of the fun back into it?

"Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend"."
-- You know, this could be seen as a very clever use of repeated sentences and ironic echoes, if only it wasn't done so handfistedly and clumsily as it is here. This could be quite effective, but it's taken to such extremes and done so much as to make it laughable. Narm in it's finest.

"At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried."
-- Why the hell did they read that at her funeral? Did the entire crowd just hate the unnamed narrator and want to rub it in? WHY WERE THEY READING EXTRACTS ABOUT HER LOVELIFE FROM HER DIARY AT HER OWN FUNERAL?!?

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So there we have it, one of the stupidest things I've read in a long time. It's so anvilicious and the amount of repetition makes it impossible to take seriously. I think that's why I love it, or at least I like it enough to dedicated an entire blog post to riffing the stupid thing.
In fact, you could say that I'm quite a fan of this thing...

STINGER:
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. (Oh come on, what else could it be?)

* You're not going to die. Stop being such a pussy; a paragraph of text on the internet is not going to kill you.
Going first of YouTube videos will kill you though. It just takes a bit of time because I need to find out where you live beforehand...

Aficionado Agony presents: LISA IS PREGNANT Prt. 1

There are many good fan fictions, fan videos and pieces of fan art out there done by fans with an obvious love for their chosen TV series/book series/whatever and the creative capabilities to create brilliant little nuggets of genius for all to enjoy.

This blog is not about those fans. This blog is for the worst recesses of fandom, dragging little black globules of dingy backwater crap and putting them in the spotlight on a cold operating table, shouting at them and demanding that they be goddamn good. Some of these pieces might be so bad that they’re good, or so bad that they’re horrible, but there’s one thing that’s guaranteed with all of them; that they’re really bad.

Case in point: A little fan-fic based on The Simpsons called “Lisa is Pregnant”. Imagine the Mike Scully era of The Simpsons, only worse. With incest. It’s worse than it sounds. But you’ll see that for yourselves if you care to scroll down a bit.

As you will see, I myself am an unabashed fan of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

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Aficionado Agony Presents:

"LISA IS PREGNANT" by diesir

(read the original fic here)

"Chapter One: Heating for Life"
-- This fanfic is sponsored by British Gas.

"Bart and Lisa un in the mountain."
-- Oh goody, we're four words into this story and there's already a spelling mistake (or something. I can't honestly tell what went wrong there, but something did.)

"Snow everywhere."
-- No shit Sherlock. They're trapped on top of a mountain; what else did you expect to be up there?

"They were no suit for the weather."
-- And all their base are belong to us.

"They where normal cloths and they get sick"
-- Why do I get the feeling that Babelfish wrote more of this story than diesir actually did?

"They wood die"
-- Given what happens next in the story, this sentence is surprisingly ironic.

""Lis' its a life or death situaytine." Bart said as he unzipped his pants."
-- That isn't a typo; Bart is referring here to an uncommon variation on... Wait a minuet, did that line just say that he unzipped his pants?!?

"Bart?"
-- Lisa isn't asking about why Bart's getting naked. She watched the movie, she's seen it all before...

""It's life or death and we must live on and get warmed up somehow!""
-- Why don't you just cuddle? That'd work just as well as having intercourse! Why do you need to have sex with each other? And what does he mean "live on"? Unless Lisa's womb is as advanced as her brain, if you're going to die then it's going to happen before the nine months it'll take for her to give birth. Last time I checked, DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T GIVE BIRTH TO BABIES!
Frankly, Bart's plan is full just full of holes...
Quite like his sister apparently...

"Bart was the right!"
-- To be honest, I've never saw Bart Simpson as a potentially good mascot for the Republican party...

"But Lisa was reluctant but gave in to incest."
-- And you thought that show was full of mischaracterisation...
It is, but this is still worse.

"He took off her cloths"
-- So his plan to keep them both warm for longer requires them to get naked? And he wonders why they're about to die...
At least diesir used the right version of "off" for once...

"and slid it in her"
-- I think that if I tilt my head back, I might be able to choke myself on my own vomit and get out of having to read the rest of this crap...

"(he didn't have pants just panty"
-- Yeah, thanks for clearing that up...

"so Lisa kept clothes on was easy."
-- So is Lisa wearing clothes or not? (I can't believe I just asked that)

"and roughed her up."
-- Wait, aren't Bart and Lisa 10 and 8 respectively? Oh God, what is up with this story?!?

"Lisa put her arms and legs around Bart for support"
-- Aw, how cute. I think...
Oh great, now I look like the sick one...

"Eventually he cam in"
-- Without knocking too, the rude git.
Wait, diesir can spell 'Eventually' right, but not 'came'?

"and he went unconcious on top of her to Lisa clutched onto his body and feel asleep"
-- Oh, all men do that after sex...

"Its a good thing Lisa had recess recieving organs"
-- I have no idea what diesir meant that sentence to read as, and I don't really want to spend my energy figuring out...

"or she wood have tired out from the workout like Bart Simpson."
-- THE BART "SEXY" SIMPSON HUMPING WORKOUT - Shed those pounds in seconds. Only costs $24 p&p and the small cost of your earthly soul.

"---
"Homer Marge your dotter is dead."
-- No more Roy Litchinstein-style paintings for you.

""Oh no!!!!"
-- diesir is truly the master of believable and emotional dialogue...

"Oh wait did I say dottor I meant son." It was good ol' Dr Hiibart goffing up agin!
-- Oh ha ha! The doctor messed up while revealing the death of their son to two loving parents! The son died in tragic circumstances, and the doctor had to tell his family the bad news, and he got it wrong! Oh, that's hilarious! [/furious sarcasm]

"Lisa finally WOKE up."
-- Oi, don't you shout random words at me. I'm the one being forced to read this shit.

""What happen." Lisa say."
-- I remember being in a cave, and I had sex with my brother, and then I has flashbacks to Rosemary's Baby, and now I'm here...

""You awake. Bart is d'oh.""
-- Did diesir misspell dead? Is that a joke about how Homer always says D'oh? How can Bart is classed as D'oh? That sentence just doesn't make sense.

"Oh NO!!"
-- Hey, that rhymes. This is just like a Dr Suess book; like Cat in the Hat. Only I'm suicidal. So this is more like Cat in the Hat the movie...

"I tell you not to play in mountain!"
-- It's a bit late to tell her now, isn't it? (Yes, I know that it should probably be "I told you", but that's what you get when you have writers don't use spell checkers)

"Another thing Lisa." Hillbart say"
-- Does anyone remember a character called Hillbart from the original series? I know of a Doctor who had a similar name, but no Hillbart...

"Congradulation"
-- and celibreytion, wen I tell everyone we in love

"What!"
-- Can you please phrase that in the form of a question?

"You will be a mother." He say"
-- Just like Lina Medina. You must be so happy.

"Mage and Homer in shock to"
-- The entirety of Mage? Damn, it takes a lot to shock an entire village.

"Who is father"
-- And THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

"And why was Bart found on top of you and inside of you and naked and you were seen in a suggestive lovers pose with him with your panty accidentally loose?""
-- I think you've just answered your own question. Clap clap.

"Lisa turn red and suddenly remember."
-- She did the same thing a few years later while in therapy at the institution...

""We used last resort to keep warm.""
-- I wish you did. Taking refuge in a Last Resort hotel would have been a lot better than what you ended up actually doing...

"You mean..."
-- "You stole my Papa Roach records? You bitch!"

"Lisa nod."
-- As well as an incestuous whore, Lisa also doubles as a funky bobblehead to put on the dashboard of your car.

""WHY YOU LITTLE...!" Homer choke Bart's lifeless body."
-- Ha ha! Oh, that's funny because that's what he does in the TV show! Only now he's doing it to the recently deceased corpse of his dead son! Ha ha bloody ha!
Please someone kill me.

"Dad please stop he saved my life with that"
-- Whoah, what part of Bart's anatomy was he choking?

"because women are have recessive parts and I did not exhaust myself with a dominant 'worm'."
-- Wait a minute, what? Lisa didn't die because women have recessive parts that stop them from dying if they have a....
WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY?!?

"What we do now?" Marge say.
-- Pray and hope that God has mercy on our souls?

"I want an abortion" Lisa say
-- Wow, this is just like Juno. Only I want to disembowel myself. So it's just like Juno.
(Cue people now ready to kill me for not liking Juno...)

"What no, the last living part of my baby is still in you!"
-- Wait, my baby? Is Bart communicating from the grave? Is Lisa talking to herself? Who said this?
This is this fics version of "Watch out for snakes", isn't it?

"Mom its my baby I can do whatever I want with it."
-- I could take my baby and turn into a giant foetus yoyo and enter it in competitions. Do you want that? DO YOU?
And Marge believes that the baby is hers? Wierd much?

""Okay." Marge sop and Homer confort it."
- Did he comfort Marge or her sop?

""Hmm." Lisa thinking "Well it's also Barts child and he is dead so out of respect for saving me i think I should have it after all!""
-- Oh, well that was easily resolved! Hooray!

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Well that was hell. Wrong on so many levels, with the worse spelling and puncuation this side of "My Immortal". And you know the worst thing; this is Chapter 1 of 3. We've still got two of these suckers to get through.

Keep checking the site as coming up next is the next two chapters of this piece of crap. I want to call it an abortion of literature, but the pun is just too horrible.

So tune in next time. Will Lisa actually have her baby? Will Dr Hilbert find out that Dr Hillbart is trying to steal his job? Will diesir finally learn to fraking spell? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next instalment of Aficionado Agony!


STINGER: Remember, woman have recessive parts and require dominant "worms" to stop them from dying from over exhaustion....